PRICING: $5 each, 4 for $20

Adult — You did the thing, you handled the crisis. You made the decisions, you are ready to live by them, good or bad. And now you’re all achy and nothing sounds better than a Tiger Balm rub down, because only old people smell like Ben Gay, and you’re still too young for that. This bar of cajeput, camphor, clove essential oils and cinnamon infused avocado oil has extra menthol and should not be used on your eyes. But you know that, because you are an Adult.

Chloral Hydrate — A sedative and hypnotic drug fancied by Burroughs, Monroe, and Artaud; prescribed in the 60s to help a boozer with the DTs get some actual shut-eye. Also an ingredient in the fabled “Mickey Finn.” Its smell of pear drops drove those who remembered WW1 gas attacks into a frenzy of revulsion.  OUT OF STOCK

Chloroform — Indelicate administration caused many a death on the operating table and battlefield. If you don’t think you’re getting your fair share from your toothpaste, this fruit scented bar should calm you right down.

Cyanide — The delightful scent of almonds with a touch of bitterness. Not the cherry-sweet of hand lotion, but the pleasantly menacing nod to Carl Wilhelm Scheele, who took his research to a short lived level of intimacy by tasting each of his discoveries.

Dutch Masters — Colonialism and monopoly of the Spice Islands kept Rembrandt’s patrons in the black on the backs of the browns. Use this clove scented bar to clean yourself of the darker history of international trade.

Hiding Place — Imagine a huge wooden chest, salvaged from your great great uncle John who was shanghaied at 15 and returned as captain of a squarerigger some 20 years later. At 9 you found the secret drawer that even your grandmother didn’t know about, and since then you’ve kept your sexy National Geographics hidden from your mom’s investigations and your little brother’s curious prowling. A million years old, and the chest still smells like black tea.

Lilac — What’s so scary about lilac?!  It just smells nice and I wanted to make some. In Victorian times, lilac was  a reminder of “first love.” Post-psychoanalysis, that should be yourself.

Lewisite — The scent of geranium indicates the familiar scent of home… and a gas attack, according to WW2 posters. How’s that for a nostalgic kick in the limbic?

Menthol — Every bar of soap ever should have menthol in it. It’s that nice, and gives you a slight edge of cleanyness: a little fresher, a little cleaner with a flush of proteins to your temperature sensing neural paths so you can tingle like a Virginia Slims ad without the cancer. This bar is made with menthol crystals, spearmint tea, ground spearmint leaves, and no added scent.

Holy Water — it doesn’t burn,  it tingles! Stop listening to your friends who think they’ll burst in to flames when they enter the narthex. A surprising mix of nag champa incense with more of that cleanyness feeling, brought to you by science.

Shallow Grave — It’s either very early, or very late; we buried our gift (I think I left the shovel there). My hands still smell of fresh dirt.

Tear Gas — The lachrymatory agent was first used in 1914; a change in wind direction delivered the scent of pepper back on the assault. Future deployments checked the weather.

Turpentine — When the human body metabolizes chemicals, expect interesting results. Some perceive cilantro as revoltingly soapy, sometimes beets can have frighteningly colorful results, and never order asparagus if you plan on staying the night. Back in a time when this sort of thing was Ask Miss Manners important, Benjamin Franklin advised taking turpentine drops to ensure urine that smelled of violets.  OUT OF STOCK

White Star – Phosgene gas (and the smell of musty hay), proved an effective exterminator when mixed with chlorine gas, and was responsible for 85% of the gas related deaths caused by chemical weapons during World War I.  A white star was marked on containers, not that anyone on the receiving end might have noticed.

Wolf’s Peach — As a taxonomic member of the nightshade family, tomato was considered just another poisonous love apple. Oh, don’t worry you little Puritan, the fruit is safe. It’s everything else that will kill you. Provided you eat enough of it.

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